Friday, September 22, 2006


Was watching TV tonight and a panel of Mullahs were justifying their squashing of the Hudood Ordinance. That's when I realized the real issue here:

Everyone in the MMA is ugly.

I'm not talking hook nose or unsightly mole. I mean really truly f*ugly.

These are a hideous group of men. One of them had an overbite so severe, if he tried kissing you he'd scrape your lips off. Another looked like the unfortunate child of an illicit union between a troll and an ork who just happened to be first cousins.

And that explains everything.

First the beards. Those aren't grown out of piety or tradition, they are an attempt to hide as much of the offending growth (head) as possible. If I looked like a member of our Religious Party I think I'd be rubbing Rogain on my forehead and cheeks as well as my chin.

Secondly, the hatred for women. We all ask, "Why do they hate women so much? Why? Why? Why?" And the answer has been staring us in the face all this time, except we never noticed because we were too busy shielding our eyes. Women keep turning them down!

Don't agree? Skeptical? Okay...visualise this:

You are 14 years old. Puberty just hit you like the Bubonic Plague in Mumbai. Nipples are hardening. Underarms are sprouting. Crotch is itchy. That uncomfortable growth under your Shalwar doesn't seem to be going away no matter how many times you hit it and dammit sometimes hitting it just seems to be making it stronger. It's like the Incredible Hulk rampaging up towards your naara. And then you see her. Your first girl. They aren't easy to come by in the small town of Chak 42, but here one of them is. All long hair and bouncy jiggly parts. And all of a sudden a small flower blossoms in your chest. Running a finger over the three strands of manly mustache that adorn your upper-lip you call forth on every bit of courage that God can provide you with. You look to heroes of the past. Heroes like Timurlain and Saladin, heroes your teachers at the Madrassah taught you about while you sat on their lap focusing very hard on everything but the wrinkly liver-spotted hand that's been climbing up your thigh. There will be time to scream into the pillow later. Besides, say the older boys, it's all a part of growing was happen...oh yes! The girl in front of you! She walks with a grace that makes the goat that was your first lover seem ungainly and awkward. You wish she had horns you could seize, a beard on her chinny chin chin that you could grip. Lacking that you promise yourself a search for placeholds on her later. First to talk. Then to...

You walk up to her. A group of friends hoot and whistle at you from the corner. It's getting harder to tell if they are mocking you or hitting on you these days. Better talk to her quick. You stand in front of her, hands clasped behind your back. Then...then you ask her:

"Would you like to become my first cousin?"

Her laughter is cruel. She catches her breath just long enough to tap her long fingernails on your
upper row of horizontally protruding teeth, then bursts into another fit of giggles. Two days later you see her making out with that muscular army cadet from the military training camp down the road.

You will get back at her. One day. You will get back at her.

And then, several years later, when the wound has festered and ripened, along comes a man named Zia-ul Haq. A military man. Unlike you. But an ugly man. Just like you. And with his power and your hatred, vengeance is had.

A tad extreme I admit. But possible. Heck, looking at those Mullahs you can see they've never gotten an affirmative response to a request for a dinner and a movie. And so they hate the women that hurt them so.

So how do we fix things? Am I suggesting women start sleeping with the members of MMA. I would never condone such an action. But still,that would be an interesting NGO Charter now wouldn't it...


Blogger Jamash said...

What does Islam has to do with politics, they are using Islam as a tool, They are freaks when ever there was an effort made to Chang this Hudood-e-Zia-ul-huq the bloody Molvies started shouting that the government is planning to Declare yahooodies as Muslims.

A few days back I was watching a televisionised minister of our country on his tv show, He was talking to a Mullah of a masjid who had abused (CSA) a 13 year old Girl. And in the end during the confession the Criminal Mullah said "I will marry her when she will grow up because no other person will now except her" .. It was a deceleration of a life time sentence for the victim but it was nether questioned nor apposed or argued upon .. This is exactly where many rape victims in our country end up..

1:15 PM  
Blogger DysfunctionaL said...

that picture u painted about the army man, the pretty girl and the mullah.. UNBELIEVEABLY hilarious!
I think I just laughed my lungs out.

7:04 PM  
Anonymous Adnan said...

hahahahahah..........that was too good !!!
it would b intresting if any one who supports MMA comments on this
by the way iam new to ur blog infact this was ur first post which i read and now i must add ur blog to my fav list

10:00 AM  
Blogger insiya said...

you're clearly missing the lovely half and reading too much of that p stuff that's corn with a p at the start o' it!

there's a future for a comic that you may start about a mullah and the pretty girls. :)

10:43 PM  
Blogger inquilaab said...

HAHAH..dude i love you(in a totally hetro-sexual way:P)!

10:26 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

LoL!!! it was TOO good!! (and not too extreme a picture..)

4:12 PM  
Anonymous Rehan Haque ( said...

I chanced upon your blog after I had had a wierd concoction of milk & diet coke my wife made for sehree, along with, mind you, kurkuray. I love her fucked up culinary sense. And I loved your piece on the mullahs too. Man, its been a while since I laughed while reading a blog. The only word that pops into head when I look at the facial hair of some of these religious retards is 'scissors'.
Anyway, I'm trying to find a friend who can come with me to your 60 minutes of fame at LUMS tonight. Break a leg.

6:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lol it was funny but all of the MOLVIS arent bad and the one who thinks they use ISLAM as a tool so dude its a ISLAMIC STATE.. what other tool should they use !
Their should be a balance as in they should do politics adn stick to their commitment that they will bring ISLAM.. not their own made silly one, the one which is real :) !

4:15 PM  

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