Monday, September 04, 2006


Raise your hands if you work in a bank.

Raise your hands if you are in any way affiliated with the world of Banking.

Wow. That's alot of people. Okay, here's what I want you to do:

Fuck off and die.

No seriously, go to fuckery and die while there. And try to make the death a painful one.

For example, if you are using a noose to hang yourself with, try to substitute the rope with razor wire. You combine hanging and garroting. If, maybe, you decide to insert air bubbles into your blood stream, add some acid into the syringe. That'll do things juuuust right.

I have never, never in all my life, met a more repulsive and loathsome group of professionals than those associated with the Banking world. Banking is a system designed specifically to destroy any joy in your life and rob you blind of any dignity you own.

For starters, who in a bank is actually doing any work? Everyone I talk to forwards me to someone else who is even less involved with any day-to-day work processes. It seems like Banks are just a building that provide free seating to any moron off the streets who can wear a shirt and tie in the correct order.

Their work hours are ridiculous. My bank still functions on the same schedule laid out by Jebediah McBank, the goat-humping child molester from the hills of Scotland who in 1654 decided he was tired of going out and finding people to torment and would instead create a system that required innocent hapless victims to come to him. The schedule requires that doors open at 9:00 A.M., however no employees be found in any working capacity till 11:00 A.M. Those employees will mince churlishly for a full 4 1/2 minutes and then disappear bank into the dark gimp-cellar from which they had been released to feed on children's souls and the blood of virgins and rabbits.

Their fiendish policies include charging you money for not having money (even the Mafia has the decency to break your kneecaps or cut off your fingers - those I can provide when lacking money, how am I supposed to give you money when I don't bloody have any!), forwarding your call to an infinite number of drooling reprobates whose only real-world skill is not defecating in public and answering any question aimed at them with a sneer or a savage animal grunt.

The latest creative method of tormenting you that Pakistani Banking has devised it out-sourcing their call-centers to a group of lonely rapists whose only way of getting off is to hear you scream in rage at 11:30 at night. That's right. 11:30 at night. That's the time that Standard Chartered sales people decided to call me two days ago to sell me a credit card. Upon reminding them that I already have a damn credit card of theirs they then asked me to pay my bill. When I pointed out that the bill had not yet been mailed to me they said that it's my responsibility to pay it before the due date or suffer late fees. When I pointed out the due date is not for another 20 days they told me they will send someone to my office in the morning to collect cash! When I told them they can suck a weasels cock in hell they thanked me for my time and then called me half an hour later to offer me a credit card.

In the words of Bill Hicks: "Hitler had the right idea, he was just an underachiever."

I can't take it anymore. I am a calm guy who has almost never lost his temper. In the last month I have thrown a bankers keyboard across the bank floor until it smashed against a wall. I have cursed like a Punjabi in heat at two bank managers and I, just this morning, promised to beat a banker so hard his as-yet-unborn-children would have bruises.

I am also informed by friends who work in the system that Banks have policies that include kidnapping and black mail. That's the Pakistani Banking system for you. They actually will have your child kidnapped if you don't pay back the loan on their ridiculous timeline that causes your future generations 20 centuries down the line to incur interest costs.

I am hereby keeping all my money in a mattress. I also solemnly swear to treat any banker I meet as the scum of the earth that they are.

9 years ago I made an observation: Every banker I knew, graduated IBA, was grossly overweight, had thinning hair, masturbated to BMW's and was dating a girl almost 10 years younger than him. My understanding is their mating rituals involve hanging around outside the Kindergarten branch of Convent of Jesus and Mary and then emotionally tormenting little girls until they can cop a feel.

I have yet to see any evidence to the contrary.

Fuck of and die. Really.


Blogger mAn[S]o0r said...


bankers can really.. really be hell!!!

12:14 PM  
Anonymous mina said...

what a beautifully vitriolic vent, i salute thee!

10:22 PM  
Anonymous teimoor said...


3:05 AM  
Blogger Jamash said...

Wonderful and really hilarious :) .. Why not make posters of this and paste in on the manager's desk at all da bank with a heading "Notice".. I bet they won't notice it for days.

9:01 AM  
Blogger mAn[S]o0r said...

jamash makes a good point :P

11:52 PM  
Blogger Checkmate said...

You have written what we all feel. The marketing calls are a real pain in the tushy. They call me at all odd hours and then call me Mr, I expect a Chinese to think Erum can be a Mr. but not Pakistani bhai. Even after I tell them that I would rather tatoo G. Bush's face on my forehead than take a loan from their bank they still keep yapping about how less I would have to pay.

Then the ATMs. One bank which prides it's self in having the most ATMs in the country, should paste strips of Xanax on the ATM screen for the poor soul who has driven all over the city to find one that is actually working. I suggest that this bank change it's name to MCBC.

God Bless you for writing this post.

3:04 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

each post makes me hotter for you...wanna do it?

3:50 AM  
Anonymous pi said...

so much hate and highly judgmental post. and im sure there are horrible people in every profession. and if there were no banks where would you keep ure money anyway, tied under your mattress?

i disagree, but of course i am a banker.

8:08 AM  
Anonymous Rehan Haque said...

Since I'm not as articulate and funny as you are, I'll say it like I feel it;

Bankers are motherfuckers and I hope they all burn in hell for eternity. Also, wouldn't mind seeing devilish mutants with elephant dicks and perpetual erections, sodomizing them through all kinds of openings in their bodies.

Shit, there goes my roza.

Oh BTW, I like the suggestion about MCBC from checkmate and yours about the punjabi in heat. Funny.

6:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi folks,

If you want to have a little 'fun' with snobby bankers then please visit the GardenWeb forums (

There is thread going on in the 'Household Finances' forum titled "The College Credit-Card Hustle * Posted by: turnage on Sat, Jul 19, 08 at 5:56"

A banker named 'triciae' is using her influence to pick on another poster about how banks SHOULD be able to infiltrate college campus's and inundate college kids with credit card offers so that they get suckered into debt BEFORE they even graduate.

7:43 AM  

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