Monday, May 29, 2006


I have forgotten what sleep feels like.

Between the office beating me into a pulp and then Black Fish shows turning that pulp to paste I have been quite exhausted. And any and all free time has gone into watching Season 5 and 6 of CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM. Such great comedy writing. Between this and everything Ricky Gervais has done for Brit comedy I have found my Safa and Marwa of TV comedy (ten points to anyone who got the Abrahamic reference there).

The Lahore standup shows doen't seem likely anytime soon. Off to India on a work project for a few days then hopefully flying to Melbourne for a few weeks to spend time with my wife. Maybe after I get back.

Got ideas for new material but most of it is so far past the line of what's allowable here that performing it is just not an option. Freedom of Speech is well and good unless it's you being chased down the street by a mob of raging Mullahs.

Speaking of whom: Saturday was a pointless strike. Karachi ordered to shut down by the religious parties in protest of the lack of beheadings or whatever for the people who died at Nishtar Park.

I think I am about to become the world's first Fundamentalist Atheist. Terrorist Atheist. Now that's a group that needs creating. They walk into coffee shops with books by Bertrand Russell and Karl Marx strapped to their chest. Meeting at Apathy Training Camps in Afghanistan.

Thursday, May 18, 2006


Quickly jotting these down so I don't forget them. At the office and not sure when I'll get home and I already lost a new bit because I didn't note it down and can't remember it anymore. Stuff I can work into longer stand-up bits
(skip this if you would rather hear these bits when they are fully worked out instead of ruining the future experience by reading them in their raw-notes form):


I am really whiny. Nothing makes me happy. Even if I go to Heaven I'll whine.
"Oh the river of milk isn't non-fat. And that virgin is too fat, that virgin is too thin..."

Why be offered virgins anyway? I don't even like virgins. Too whiny. Too needy of committmen. And they are generally shit in bed. I want to be offered skanks. Crazy messed up uber-sluts who welcome me to heaven in leather with candles and a gimp suit. And then we go off and pollute the river of honey.


I hate people who spell their names oddly. Why do parents do that? What to do they hope to achieve?

Xainab? What was wrong with Z?

Names that start off fine and then half way through go nuts. That's "Taimur" spelt with the symbol for Magnesium, squiggly line, ankh and squared to the power of Pi.


Monday, May 15, 2006


Aaargh, have not written anything new in days. Well...almost. I came up with what I think is the perfect Emergency Fall Back Joke in Times of Crisis. This will only be used if all else fails and I need to get an easy laugh to save myself.

Other than that, been so damned busy with the Black Fish tour and work that I have had no time for Stand-up. 

Still hoping to perform in lahore at some point but no developments on that end. Bugger. 

Monday, May 08, 2006


Just got back from doing some Black Fish shows in Lahore. One of them was at the Lahore University of Management Sciences to an audience of almost a 1000 PEOPLE!!!

Prior to this our largest audience had been 400 people. This was nuts. People hanging off balconies and whatnot. And it was a solid show. One of our best ever. Insane.

Definetely want to do some Stand-up in Lahore. Am working towards setting it up right now.

Been listening to alot of Ellen Degeneres stuff recently. What an exceptional joke-writer. I mean seriously. I am hard pressed to think of anyone who crafts their material as effectively as her. The structure of the jokes is easy enough:

Establish topic. Start changing elements of story while telling it. Have bizarre twist half-way through. Push story into surrealist area. Tie it up neatly by bringing it back to normal. All done in a matter-of-fact tone.

But the actual content is so fantastic. Even if you know the technique, the things she does with her jokes is just stunning. really fantastic writing. 

Been thinking alot about my own style. For the "Nobody Moves, Nobody Gets Hurt" solo-show my material was very simple. Straight-forward Observational style. In terms of delivery I was definetely channelling Seinfeld. The structure had a simple beat and rhythm, no matter how lengthy the bit was.

That has started changing. The newer bits are less tightly structured. They seem more stream-of-consciouness although they are just as tightly scripted as the earlier material. And the directions I take a topic in seem more absurd or atleast challenging than before. Now I can't bear some of the stuff I was proud of writing once. Older bits seem trivial and obvious.

So style develops. I know that. Still, it's interesting to see it happening. Just hope it doesn't go off into territory that stops it being funny.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006


Just got back from a trip to the dentist. 

You learn alot about yourself when he hits your gums with that tiny drill machine:

1) I mewl when in pain. That's right, mewl. 

2) Mewling is onomatopoeic. I actually say "mewl". Or atleast thats what my muted attempts at shrieking with my mouth full off dentist hands sounds like. 

3) I would never hold up under torture. I honestly thought I was tougher than this. Like Mel Gibson in "Payback". Instead, the moment
he touched my gums I was reciting my name, ID card number and 10-year plan in a high-pained falsetto.

Also, is it disturbing that I heard him giggle once behind his mask when I was mewl-ing?


The Blogspot ban is lifted! Productivity levels drop! 

I am thinking of uploading some mp3's of my material to the web. Where can one host them for free? They will probably be a couple of megs in size and I need some free hosting service that is easy to use for both me and any potential listeners. 

Is there an audio-only equivalent of Youtube? Does Blogger offer these? 

Help me!

Monday, May 01, 2006


Just performed at Saad's Open Mic night. Been a while since the last one and the turn out was a little less than it normally is. Same excellent mix of musicians and comedians though. Tonight all 4 of Karachi's stand-up comedians performed (or as David calls us: The All-Pakistan Stand-up Comedians Organization). Saad, David, Danish and Me. Everyone did all new material, and we somehow all ended up doing completely experimentational material. It was a blast for us, even if the audience didn't laugh as much as usual. It was really heartening to see that none of us is relying on tried-and-true material and even trying to mix it up in terms of form and style. Felt proud to be part of such a talented group.

Here's one of the bits I did. It's very different from my usual material, in alot of regards. Had fun seeing people react to it though:

The Last Kink

The weird thing about on-line porn is that there is no fetish left untouched. It doesn’t matter what you might be looking for. Every person has the one kinky fetish that they will never tell anyone. Something so deep and dark and disturbing that just thinking about it makes you feel like a criminal. And what’s bizarre is that it doesn’t matter what it is…anything…there is a website for it. And that’s not good. Because one day we will just run out of kinks. There will be nothing too taboo, nothing too kinky that hasn’t been filmed and put on the web for download and the world will just run out of kinky material.

The last film ever made will involve an obese midget and a gay quadriplegic puppy that’s wearing a latex suit. And is dead.

And then no more kinky porn. Nothing. It’ll be over.

And we will have to look somewhere else for our kinky material. And
since everything that was kinky is now boring, everything that was boring will be kinky. Instead there will be websites dedicated to hand-holding, and cuddling and caressing hair. And to access them you have to click the button that asks if you are 18 and above or not. Which is such a great deterrent I feel. And in our private sex-lives we will all be kinky freaks because that stuff will now be the boring everyday sex that we have. And then afterwards, when your holding your lover, and you are sharing that deep personal moment, and they ask you what is the kinkiest thing you ever want to do, and because you feel closer to each other than ever before because of the last half-hour spent in rubber diving masks with spank-paddles and whips. And the obese midget. Because of the moment of vulnerability created by the criss-cross whip-marks across your bum, you decide to reveal your most intimate kinky desire. And you nervously look them in the eye, consciously run your hands through your hair, cheeks turning red with embarrassment. And you say:
To which she responds:

And after that the relationship ends.